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*DOUBLE GASP!* ANOTHER DIS UPDATE!! With all the weirdness and chaos going around inside and outside my mind these days, I've reached some very dark places recently. Very freaky, frightening places I have seen in years (and hoped never to revisit). Not the least of which has been a handful of distinct moments where my extreme disinterest in sustaining my life crossed over that line in the dirt to wondering why I don't simply end it. Ethan's observation in panel #3 is the exact words that fell from my mouth in attempting to answer this "why." |
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thesaj clued me into an article about the "complex personality" of Charles Schulz (the creator of the comic strip Peanuts)
The sad, wonderful, complicated life of Charles M. Schulz
Was he the man who suffered anxiety attacks, remembered slights for decades and put every ounce of existential angst into his comic strip, "Peanuts"?
...
Or was he between the lines in "Peanuts" itself, in the melancholy of Charlie Brown, the exuberance of Snoopy, the intellectualism of Linus, the directness of Lucy and the bafflement of Peppermint Patty?
Charles Schulz's life and work is forever woven into the fabric of who I have become. Beyond just being an artistic and personal inspiration, his death coincided with one of the darkest times in my life, but also marked the beginning of my ascension from the darkenss.
The summer before his death was when I had been near my own. Severely depressed and suicidal, this was when that infamous night took place where I went to take my life and instead created Disassemblance.
However, even after the prospects of Disassemblance lightened by spirits, I remained in a deep depression. Looming in the near future was the end of college and the deadline to apply to med school (I was an "accelerated student", and was allowed to apply to med school after only three years of undergrad). It was at this time that I was coming to recognize some very fundemental aspects of myself (my indentity) the least of which was that I didn't want to go to med school and wanted nothing more than to pursue my artistic passions. A realization that brought great strain to my then long term relationship (she made it clear that she wanted to marry a doctor, not an artist).
Charles Schulz passed away the day before my 21st birthday. His death, alongside that milestone birthday, made me think hard about my life. I realized that no matter which path I took, ultimately my life would end. And no matter how badly I fucked my life up (assuming I made the "wrong" choice) the worse thing that could happen to me was I would die. It occured to me that if I was willing to take my own life, and was not afraid to die, then NOTHING should stop me from being who I was born to be, and live the life the way I always wanted. It was then that I KNEW I had to get off my ass and bring Disassemblance to life (amongst other projects).
In the year that followed this epiphany, I decided to not got to med school, but also decided to take my fourth year of undergraduate work (since I finished my degree in three, I mostly took art/philosophy courses my final year). My personal relationship began to crumble. And I prepared myself for an unsure future.
Now I find myself relating to Schulz all the more. A rather withdrawn artist, who exposes their inner processes, in the form of comic characters, for all to consider. It may not be a surprise that people often compare myself and Disassemblance, to Schulz and Peanuts.
I wonder if someone will write a book about me someday. ;)
I motha-fuckin' spinning plates, y'all!!
(metaphorically speaking)
No RWG today. I have been updating Dis, but just haven't had much time to make posts about it.
*BUSY**BUSY**BUSY*
Back to the grind stone and the graphics tablet!
The most difficult time I have is deciding whether or not to start a new project or incorporate ideas into a bigger project.
For example, one comic project I hope to be finally starting soon is Industrial Complex (a story about three siblings starting a goth/industrial club). Now, should this be a seperate project, a seperate strip that runs alongside Disassemblance? Or should this really be just another part of Disassemblance, appearing under the Disassemblance header -- just more characters and story arcs for the Disassemblance comic?
What complicates decisions like this is the fact that, on some level, all my stories are interconnected. For example, even thought I have generally thought of Disassemblance and Industrial Complex as seperate projects, they both take place in the same city (Middleton). In fact, the Dis character Bull knows the IC "kids." Even projects that seem far removed from Disassemblance share a bond. My novel-ish project 90 Degrees takes place in Middleton as well** (though, in a distance future incarnation of the city). Even Ethan is referenced in a later chapter of 90 Degrees (many of the heroes in 90-Degrees have "Ethan-like" powers).
The interconnection/overlapping of the stories is just another by-product of my "creations are me" way or being. Everything I think, feel and otherwise experience eventually coaleces into another part of the greater "Brynniverse."
However, it's often hard to really express it all in a single cohesive project, for practical reasons.
Soo... ummm... I forgot my point... :\
** As a general rule, all my stories take place in Middleton. Even Sapporo AE, which technically takes place in a city called "Sapporo," but in that world, all cities are named "Sapporo."
My office caught on fire today. No joke. I got paid to be outside in the beautiful weather for three hours (but, being goth, I sat under the shade of a dying tree). It was pretty radical. But not enough damage was done, so I had to go back in and finish out my day. :\
I'm in that weird pre-vacation restlessness. Where I want to do tons of stuff but don't want to engage myself in something involved, knowing that I will have to pack up and head to NYC in a week or two. For example, I want to order some more tools/materials for the leather crafting, but goodness knows if I will get my orders in time. And if I do, I won't exactly have much time to work on stuff. So I am slowly driven mad, not much of an outlet for my energies.
I'm looking forward to NYC, a lot. I need some time and clear my head and get some perspective for the future -- both personal and professional. I'm bringing my electronic abacus (ie, my really old and crappy laptop) to get some writing done (I'll be posting the beginnings of my serial novel-ish works soon) and work on some designs for t-shirts. I'm hoping to kick things into a higher gear once I get back from NYC. Hopefully make small, but significant steps toward my goal of professional doer of awesome.
Self-doubt beats me down on a daily basis, but I hope to drown such things in the Hudson river. To return from NYC with new determination. To live fully and completely in that vision.
Did I mention my office caught on fire today?
Are you familiar with the burning bush?
A sign of greater purpose.
I really hope everyone is enjoying the recent story-arc of Dis. Doing it has been a source of fulfillment and joy for me. I've devised roughly how things will play out (I never commit to details until the time comes to put ink to paper -- figuratively speaking...) And the results of this arc could fundementally change aspects of the Dis world!!
The problem is... I want to tell everyone how it plays out SOOO MUCH!!klemrev, madhatterofoz and revp are the only ones who get to ever hear anything ahead of time (often against there will). They are the inner circle of Dis Inc. because they are some of my most trusted friends, have been hearing me blab on endlessly about Dis since the beginning, and they will honestly tell me when my ideas are retarded.
Some of the above people even know how the WHOLE THING will end! *GASP!!* (By the time I finished the very first strip, I've known how the entire comic will end.)
I need that outlet... someone to vent ideas to or else I would completely loose it.
Friends are awesome.
Someone take note of that!
I adore Maine, but for a restless, eager-to-learn soul, such as myself, it can feel a bit emaciating. For example, I want to learn to sculpt glass... to learn to make pyrex sex toys, I will admit... but where does one go to learn this? I am searching and searching for places that offer lessons in glass sculpting, but I am at a loss. Even MECA doesn't seem to have much to offer. I bet if I travel two hours south I would trip over two dozen places that give lessons... probably half of them SPECIALIZE in pyrex sex toys.
Maybe I am just not looking in the right places... It would likely be easier to find sources of such education if I travelled more in "artistic circles." But I don't. The result of one of my major regrets: not going to art school.
I feel like I am so late in the game. Like I am the retarded kid held back until I'm too old to attend normal classes. I feel lost and left out. I feel so fucking unskilled and ignorant, I make myself sick.
I want to learn to blow glass. I want to learn to work with stainless steel. And I want to learn how to sew, to make corsets, to work with leather... and hell... to even make shoes. I want to know how to create all the freaky awesome, material things I enjoy so much.
I WANT THAT KNOWLEDGE!
To collect it, and pass it onto others.
I'm going to kick Prometheus in the nuts, even if I'm killed in the quest.
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depressed All I want is some clothing made out of a potentially hazardous industrial chemical -- is that really so much to ask for? |
Being an artist means that you spend your life in constant frustration, wading through the remains of an innumerable amount of failed projects. My living space becomes a graveyard of creative abortions -- used, shredded, consumed, shat out and disposed of -- a mocking monument to my incredible ineptitude as an artist. The conversion of some cast-off blue vinyl pants into a sexy little skirt (pictured, left) is tough going. I shreded the thing and am now desperately trying to get it all to fit together. I bought some nylon thread to stitch it together, but the material is worn and I'm afraid the stitching will not hold (if I even had the skill to sew it properly). Instead I opted to use some liquid stitch fabric glue to at least get all the pieces into place. But the stuff holds like shit. I'm going to let what I have so far dry over night, and if it doesn't work I"m going to saturate the entire thing in fookin' Gorilla Glue. That'll hold anything. This project may be a failure and that makes me both sad and greatly frustrated. This will only fuel my fear of working with fabrics. I have a bolt of stretch black vinyl that I haven't dared touch since I bought it. Anything I do will likely turn something so beautiful into shit. I'm also frustrated with just about every other creative venture at the moment. I think I am zeroing in on finding the kind of vibe I want for my music (in hopes of releasing a new lemur album before year's end), but the exact sound still escapes me. I've been working on not less than three dozen tracks and I hate everyone of them. Recently (as in the past 27 hours) I think I have finally pieced together the world (atmosphere/backstory) that will act as the setting for my dark, sci-fi-ish adventure tales. And as exciting as that is, I'm now feeling powerless in the face of the daunting task of actually trying to some how put all of this into some kind of approachable, consumable product that I can then share with all of you. angerbunny is working with me to try and bring some of this out in the for of graphic novels.It's all so damn maddening! I have an overwhelming need to create, but feel like I can never really bring it into being. I'm never fully successful. The closest I ever get is a beautiful bastardization of the original vision. It's frustrating and makes me want to stab a screwdriver into my temple so I don't have to think about it all anymore. |
uncomfortableI've decided to finally take people's advice and get over my foolish fear of making money off of my art. I have unashamedly added a somewhat more prominant "begging button" under the Google Ads on the site. As well, I'm currently getting finances in order to get the next round of t-shirts done. I figure between this and the Google Ads I may be able to provide greater support for my insanity. Realistically, this isn't going to amount to a full time job (I just don't have THAT large of a readership... yet) but even if I could pull it off as a sort of Part-Time dealy, that would mean I would be spending that much more time being able to work on comics.
I've always been weird about mixing money with any of my art. I feared that it would somehow cheapen it. This has been the mental block that has made me avoid putting my paintings up in a gallery, what has prevented me from seeking a job in design sooner, and what has made me SLACK so bad on getting merch made up. I've started to meet with an "art group" as of late, and they drove the last nail into my brain, convincing me that I need to get over it.
A secondary mental block I need to overcome is the one that makes me shy away from compliments and avoid ever talking about my art to interested parties. This has made me a horrible self-promoter. If I ever speak of what I do more than a few minutes, I get really self-concious and fear that I am sounding like a self-important ass (except with a few close people who get to listen to me for hours on end.)
It's a bit of a far-fetched dream, I will admit, to make a living off of one's art, but I will never accomplish this goal if I don't try. Lately, with everything else that is going on in my life, I'm coming to the realization that it IS possible to make one's dreams a reality.