My office caught on fire today. No joke. I got paid to be outside in the beautiful weather for three hours (but, being goth, I sat under the shade of a dying tree). It was pretty radical. But not enough damage was done, so I had to go back in and finish out my day. :\
I'm in that weird pre-vacation restlessness. Where I want to do tons of stuff but don't want to engage myself in something involved, knowing that I will have to pack up and head to NYC in a week or two. For example, I want to order some more tools/materials for the leather crafting, but goodness knows if I will get my orders in time. And if I do, I won't exactly have much time to work on stuff. So I am slowly driven mad, not much of an outlet for my energies.
I'm looking forward to NYC, a lot. I need some time and clear my head and get some perspective for the future -- both personal and professional. I'm bringing my electronic abacus (ie, my really old and crappy laptop) to get some writing done (I'll be posting the beginnings of my serial novel-ish works soon) and work on some designs for t-shirts. I'm hoping to kick things into a higher gear once I get back from NYC. Hopefully make small, but significant steps toward my goal of professional doer of awesome.
Self-doubt beats me down on a daily basis, but I hope to drown such things in the Hudson river. To return from NYC with new determination. To live fully and completely in that vision.
Did I mention my office caught on fire today?
Are you familiar with the burning bush?
A sign of greater purpose.
I just posted this to a friend of mine in a chat. It sort of sums up my life in the past few years, from my college days, when I decided I couldn't bring myself to go to med school, to my suicidal dark times, up to and including my coming out as transgendered. This is sort of the central point of my life (and one I imagine many people can relate to).
PROBLEM:
Stripping away society's expectations of who you should be and living according to who you feel you must me.
CONCLUSION:
I realize, fully now, that back when I wanted so much to kill myself, it was not MY LIFE that I wanted to end... I wanted to end the life that OTHERS expected of me.
PS:
And I do realize that who I feel I should be is probably just a product of society's expectations of me anyway. But... whatever. :)
(I greatly shortened this entry because it sounded a little too flakey in it's first draft)
I find myself with nothing but positive feelings about the coming year. I've felt an ever growing fire within myself over the past year. The realization that after so many, many years of sitting, waiting, and thinking I'm actually bringing to life things that existed formerly only in my dreams. I was trapped in the prison of my own brain, a slave to my inertia. But at some point I found the energy to kick down the door and make my escape. Shattering every window in the process.
This past year has been an incredible one. I've brought many of my ideas and dreams into being and have come up with six times as many that I would like to see born in the year to come. That's the incredible things about energy, about action, and pursuing and doing things that make one feel fulfilled and purposeful -- it snowballs. It's a cascade of power -- unchecked fission in the soul.
I'm really not one for resolutions, but I am one to set some loose goals to help guide me down the path I follow in the near future. And I do have some very specific things I'd like to get done in the year to come. Mostly creative pursuits, some personal.
![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/charitycam/blackbox/thoughtful.gif){kind=small}
thoughtful